Ohio... it wasn't what it was supposed to be....

So, where to start?  It's taken me a few months to try to post something here about the horrible trip back East.  I'm still not really processing the experience, it's so much to deal with that it's gonna take time.

I guess I should start the day before I was supposed to drive back. It was Feb 11th when I missed a call from my oldest brother that Mom was going to the ER in an ambulance.  20 minutes later I got a text from him saying to call, that Mom was gone.  She'd had a heart attack after being sick with a flu for over a month. 

As surreal as that was, within the hour we discovered that Dad was dead too!  My other brother had gone over to tell Dad about Mom when he discovered he'd been dead for quite a while, about 2 weeks.  It wasn't uncommon for Dad to ignore calls for this long, and being busy with his family and job my brother just hadn't had a chance to come check on him. 

So basically... we lost both parents on the same day.

They'd been divorced since I was 15 (a long time ago!) and didn't live together but were about 10 minutes apart in Dayton.  They both had heart attacks.  It's kind of hard to believe the timing and same cause of death.  

I had a very troubled relationship with my Dad and had chosen not to talk to him in the last four plus years.  He was an alcoholic for all of my childhood, he stopped drinking several years ago at least.  I discovered only a few years back that there had been sexual abuse that I'd repressed, hence me not wanting to talk to him ever again.  So yeah... I have very mixed emotions about his passing.  It wasn't a good relationship and it set me up to repeatedly choose poor partners in my adult life, ones that mimicked Dad's behavior and the way he treated me.  It's something I am avoiding exploring further, but eventually I will have to go talk it out with my Faster EFT therapist in Vegas.  I just can't handle it now though.

Mom and I got on pretty well considering all the messed up interactions over the years, including some not so good things that happened between us that I never talked to her about... I just couldn't shatter her by making her deal with repressed memories.  It would have been awful to bring up, so I just sat on the knowledge and tried to deal with it myself.  Mostly, she was a great Mom.  The last few years of bad health got her in a bad spiral where her mental acuity began to fail often and her body just kept giving out on her.  She used to always support me in my crazy endeavors and listen to my stories.  I used to talk to Mom pretty often on the phone.  In fact that's what is the strangest thing now, not being able to call to see how she is or tell her what's happening here.  Many times I have thought of calling then realize I can't.  I'd talked to her very briefly the day before she passed but I wasn't well and didn't get to really complete our call, which I regret very much now.  I did get to tell her I loved her one last time at least. 

Neither of them wanted a funeral.  In retrospect, I think it would have helped me at least to deal with the finality of it all.  

As for me... I was unlucky enough to get the cold that killed Mom and that my oldest brother had also had for over a month.  I was so sick that I had to cancel my performance in the show for which I'd driven cross country. I felt about 1 inch tall cancelling.  I had several friends traveling from different parts of Ohio to see me.  I disappointed so many people, myself included.  

On the drive to Ohio, I discovered that a dear friend of over 26 years was choosing to ditch me for his new girlfriend.  And he ditched me silently, without even one word of reply, even when I told him about my parents.  I am still heart broken over this and will remain so.  He was my first band guy, the first man I loved.  Our relationship was mostly that of close friends over all the years, as he was always with someone else.  And that was fine by me.  There were a handful of glorious times alone together that I'll never forget, even though I must try to forget him now.  I cannot say enough how deeply this wounds me.

Shortly before I left Colorado for Ohio, I learned much of the same from my patron and friend of about 18 years.  He is the reason I can eat, have gas and costume money... the reason I can get by in the world being basically disabled by the MCS and my inability to work.  He was always married, but finally divorced last year.  Unfortunately for my sake, at about the same time he found a new girlfriend and moved her into a new home.  Now, he cannot ever see me again and his finances are such that he can't keep helping me as he promised he always would.  Again, my heart was broken and my fear of being left destitute was going to become reality very soon.  I was supposed to at least see him to talk while I was in Ohio, but he wouldn't make time for me.  I felt very hurt by this, as I would have liked to at least have hugged him one last time.  But I wasn't allowed closure or even any information about what he intended to do with my finances.  This is still up in the air, only I know he's not able to keep it going long.  

So, I live with the terrible stress of not knowing when I'm cut off and not having any options to get my own income flowing.  Hell, I am technically homeless living in a metal walk in cooler in the middle of the San Luis Valley because my RV needs extensive work that I can't afford and this is where it's parked, right next to the cooler.  And the metal box has moldy wood in between the outer layers of metal.... so it's also making me feel unwell like the moldy RV was.  I just can't find any safe space to live!  

My health has gone to shit, with the last 4 or 5 months being mostly spent in bed sick, cancelling gigs left and right.  I am not sure what's going on in my future... but it doesn't look bright, of that I am sure. 



April 4th would have been my Mom's birthday.

Traveling to Ohio for Moonstruck Burlesque's Valentine's Day Show

In about a week's time I shall be hitting the road towards Ohio.  

This will be a brief visit of only about a week and a few days since I'm going without my home on wheels.  It's been more than a few years since going cross country in my Jimmy and honestly I am not terribly excited about that portion of the trip.  It will mean a lot of health compromises the whole time, as I will have to use hotels, as infrequently as possible to be frugal.  I will also be trying to stay with family when I can.  There are many people I hope to see while I'm back, as it's been a long time since visiting home.  Sadly, there is one old friend who has moved away and I'm very sad I won't get to see him... but I wish him much happiness in his new ventures!!!

BUT... I am thrilled to finally get to perform in Athens with good friends that I rarely get to see anymore!  Moonstruck Burlesque is having a Valentine's Day show and a handful of months ago I was fortunate enough to be asked to come perform.  I can't wait!  I've been needing something fun like this for a while now.  I'll be performing two acts, one of which has been totally revamped since I performed it last in Ohio and the other is a brand new singing act!!  If you don't have Valentine's Day Weekend plans and you're anywhere near Ohio... this will be a lovely time!

FB event page:
 https://www.facebook.com/events/2062178923847966/