Months after I'd intended to already be on stage singing and doing the strip tease at the same time, I've only ended up rebounding and going back on my word that I'm done performing burlesque without this added challenge. I'm very disappointed for letting illnesses enable me to be a procrastinator and for putting my desires on the back burner.
I am not going to set myself up for failure again by setting a hard timeline in my own head as I did before, and then be depressed when I can't follow through. The depression stalls everything and I crumble under the pressure. All I do know is that soon as I believe I'm ready, I will be leaping forward in what I hope is a good direction. I accept in advance that it's likely going to take me longer than I want and that's OK. So long as I finally do it properly at least once, I'll be happy. And if people like it and I can do it more, that'd be nice too.
I know I have a lot of other friends out there with chronic illnesses, some of us with more than just a few of them weighing us down. We tend to not know when to say to ourselves that it's human and acceptable to fall short, to not feel well enough, to delay this or that and to not punish ourselves for the shortcomings or limitations. I am guilty of doing this self-flagellation a LOT. I'm writing this mainly to let myself know I can fall short but that I must not give up. I'll lose the battle with depression randomly, and often. But so long as I still try to get shit done when I can see a glimmer of light again, I can say I did my best.
To my friends dealing with strife or hardship of whatever variety life has thrown your way... find the light moments, the things that keep you dreaming and reaching. It's so tempting to give in to the darkness that is found in so many places that we need every drop of loving light we can see to keep us true to ourselves.
I've found that cutting off my creative outlet did more to hurt myself than I thought it would. I have been disenchanted with the burlesque community/scene or whatever you wish to call it for a long time. I felt myself being overlooked, not asked to perform very often and not being accepted into shows more often than not - which lead to a lot of negativity and heartache. I told myself to walk away and not come back until I could try something new, to sing, and see if it garnered more interest. Too soon I realized how much lonelier I was feeling and it was only getting worse. So I have started to jump in on a few shows here and there again. My rebounding made me feel weak and sheepish, but my desire to get out and play again was far stronger. I'm glad I recently was able to perform at Galaxy Fest in Colorado Springs with good friends, although I was absent and ill for one of the two days and injured the next. I am happy to say I went ahead and performed freshly injured and just did it no matter what the pain was like. That is a small accomplishment, but I'll take it. It is a little bit of light. Live in the light!!!
As a reward for reading this long rant, which likely is just going on circles, here are a few videos that I've been sitting on for months:
Barb Wire Dolls Show
Oct 19, '17
The Marquis Theater, Denver
Obscura Drag Show
Nov 11, '17
The Zodiac Venue & Bar, Colorado Springs