I shall go in chronological order to keep it simple.
Tuesday last week I was with my Mom and she finally insisted upon pressing me for an answer to what happened with my Dad and I. We were in the car when she asked... and I was cornered. I had no intention of sharing this information with her, as her health isn't the best and this is just one more thing to add stress and concern. And something to alter the way I was seen and dealt with... it just made things a bit more strange than I cared to handle.
FYI in a nutshell: there were years of regular, inappropriate sexual education from my Dad that I only found out about via FasterEFT about a year and a half ago.
Whew! There it is out there in print for the first time for general consumption! Since she brought it up and other immediate family members now know, I don't mind sharing it. My Dad won't ever get online and I have no intention of talking to him, as it's just not necessary.
Anyhow, this "chat" put me in a weird frame of mind. My Mom wants to know what he did and talk more about it, which I don't really wanna do. There are many, many extenuating circumstances beyond the main issue and it's all just been a bit too unsettling and disconcerting for me.
And more fuel for my angst:
At some point during the week, I was asked if I'd like to perform at a venue that I have publicly stated MANY times that I will never frequent or support. This friend should have known better but apparently I'm supposed to forget my past, forget my WORD to myself and compromise to get a gig??? NO. I politely declined and reminded her why. A few of my Collective mates have been comfortable performing at these few venues I will not frequent and that is their choice and I honor it, in spite of how I feel personally. I have not said anything about it to them or asked them not to perform at these places as I have no right to do so, nor would I ever ask such a thing.
OK then, fast forward to Friday. Lots went on and I wasn't feeling the best with OH allergies kicking my ass into sleep very early that night.
During the day, I attended a friend's wedding in the park and shot video for her (soon to be edited and delivered I promise!). I hung out with my nephew Michael and his lady Cole. Though it was a bit of a stressful day for them and some other friends in attendance, it went fairly well. I was there partly to lend support to him and was happy to do so. I left the park so tired that I didn't make it long into the night before crashing out at my Mom's before midnight.
That night around 3 a.m., I missed an important text and call from one of my best friends across the country who was in much need of support. I inadvertently hurt her feelings by not being available. This helped lead to the next series of events which snowballed out of control fast..... but I jump slightly ahead of myself.
So Saturday was another busy day before the show in Columbus.
My oldest brother's birthday was the next day so I made sure to get him a card before leaving Dayton. He is the one who rescues me with his skill and know how when car issues crop up by the way!
I met a few friends for tea upon my arrival in cowtown, trying to assess how things with the Columbus Burlesque Collective had been going in my absence. What I heard was not unexpected but disappointing: that discontent had gone unchecked and problems developed with a few members and nothing was really being done about it. Silly me... I wanted to help so said I'd try to talk to the pertinent parties and see if we couldn't make things OK.
But let's let that portion of the tale simmer on the back burner for now...
because it was then time for the show at Shrunken Head with the Ooh-La-Las: "Girls, Gags and Giggles!" I always have a great time at this show and this night was no exception.
I had a bonus of my old best friend from school being in town for just one night with her brother. By the time she arrived, she had just missed my last number by 10 minutes. But it didn't matter... all that mattered was she made it and we got a few hours to chill because we hadn't seen each other in many years.
While sitting with her, I saw that a follow up text had come thru an hour prior from my good friend I mentioned above whom I'd missed. It let me know things were not alright without her directly saying it; but passive aggressive words came thru loud and clear. I couldn't handle it so put the phone down to deal with it Sunday.
Sunday.... the day of explosions
Ok here comes the real trouble.
I tried to set up a tea date with another Collective mate to discuss issues... one of them again being invites to perform at venues I won't support, but also the division I mentioned above. It only led to texting and typing and no resolution and NO meeting set. I gave up on trying to help at that point honestly. I said I'd try to mediate but found this was beyond my usually high patience levels, which were waning fast. So that left me feeling more frustrated, more angry and not heard.
Next I try again to reach my good friend across the country and tell her I was sorry I was busy when she tried to reach me. I got back a few curt texts saying basically that a bunch of friends were being cut loose... but the words were not so kind. In my mind, there was no mistaking the message to fuck off.
This moment was pivotal for me. I fell into the comfortable Ohio angst even more and didn't bother to try to rise above it this time. A failure of which I am not proud.
I wanted to see what would happen if I posted a preemptive plea to the Collective to please never book a show with our group name behind it and the two specific venues I referenced above. The point was: do what you will with your other groups and individual appearances but please, out of respect to myself and a few others that had been injured, to refrain from this breaking open of old wounds.
That post was NOT well received by at least one person - but honestly when I read the words "liar" I stopped reading replies to my post, of which there were many.
I quickly stated I was done. I removed myself from the group page and stated I was not performing in the next two Collective shows (which were part of why I was staying in town so long!). I took myself off the Collective's blog page and it looks like I was never there now... but I feel the void.
A not so funny side note that I discovered while tapping on the Collective falling out: my Dad used to threaten me to keep silent about what he did to me by saying, "I'll tell them all you're a little liar if you tell." When I recalled this, I burst into tears and tapped till they subsided. But the trauma isn't totally dealt with yet... just too much for me to process all at once. BUT it helped me understand why I was triggered so strongly and angrily by the one Collective member who called me a liar when I had not lied (she took exception to one word I used and ran with it).
So I should thank her here for putting me in touch with that, as she and I are not friends anymore so I can't just tell her. But I'm sure the info will get to her via the blog and others reading it. Sorry... you had no idea you were "playing my Dad" did you???!! Nor did I, till too late and for that I am sorry. I normally DO react way better - but we can't always be the bigger person and rise above, even when that is all we really want.
Monday came and I sent a group message to a few of the people in the Collective for which I had parting words - some were harsh and some just wanted others to heal their wounds. I was terribly hurt, broken and didn't waste words being kind. More angst followed that day due to my treating others as harshly as they treated me. I wasn't my usual nice self and boy people didn't like that, nor were they ready for it!
I felt I had no other choice but to walk away from a group that I'd invested SO much love, effort, money, time and will into supporting. But it had started to deteriorate as groups with strong, creative egos are prone to do... and I could not support it anymore. The Collective mission was being trampled just a bit too much and I just couldn't stomach it... not after being on my own for 6 months and feeling the lightness of being solo and away from OH melodrama.
So that is it for me and the "group" scenario. I just won't do it ever again, not for anyone. I HAD been doing it to keep the ideals of my good friend alive and well... and when she turned away from me I felt no more obligation to it. I know it has hurt friends and for that I am sorry. But I am NOT sorry for my actions, however harsh they may have seemed. Believe me I say I went lightly with my deep disappointment and my words, as I wanted to be more severe. My heart is broken from the experience.
The ONLY saving grace that lifted my spirits has been a visit with my good friend Glenn Pine and shooting some amazing images of the Monarch costume last night. Here is one teaser image:
Now I am clamoring to leave OH but have a few commitments keeping me here. Glenn, who is ultra-handy with skills and equipment, is going to help work on the over-cab area of the RV so it'll not be leaky and actually be usable space. My nephew and his friend are going to look at the plumbing next week, and fingers crossed they can get some new lines run and things literally flowing.
Friday I head to Louisville, KY to help judge the Burlypicks KY Regional Competition, so if you're in the area don't miss the show!
Event Page:
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