So, where to start? It's taken me a few months to try to post something here about the horrible trip back East. I'm still not really processing the experience, it's so much to deal with that it's gonna take time.
I guess I should start the day before I was supposed to drive back. It was Feb 11th when I missed a call from my oldest brother that Mom was going to the ER in an ambulance. 20 minutes later I got a text from him saying to call, that Mom was gone. She'd had a heart attack after being sick with a flu for over a month.
As surreal as that was, within the hour we discovered that Dad was dead too! My other brother had gone over to tell Dad about Mom when he discovered he'd been dead for quite a while, about 2 weeks. It wasn't uncommon for Dad to ignore calls for this long, and being busy with his family and job my brother just hadn't had a chance to come check on him.
So basically... we lost both parents on the same day.
They'd been divorced since I was 15 (a long time ago!) and didn't live together but were about 10 minutes apart in Dayton. They both had heart attacks. It's kind of hard to believe the timing and same cause of death.
I had a very troubled relationship with my Dad and had chosen not to talk to him in the last four plus years. He was an alcoholic for all of my childhood, he stopped drinking several years ago at least. I discovered only a few years back that there had been sexual abuse that I'd repressed, hence me not wanting to talk to him ever again. So yeah... I have very mixed emotions about his passing. It wasn't a good relationship and it set me up to repeatedly choose poor partners in my adult life, ones that mimicked Dad's behavior and the way he treated me. It's something I am avoiding exploring further, but eventually I will have to go talk it out with my Faster EFT therapist in Vegas. I just can't handle it now though.
Mom and I got on pretty well considering all the messed up interactions over the years, including some not so good things that happened between us that I never talked to her about... I just couldn't shatter her by making her deal with repressed memories. It would have been awful to bring up, so I just sat on the knowledge and tried to deal with it myself. Mostly, she was a great Mom. The last few years of bad health got her in a bad spiral where her mental acuity began to fail often and her body just kept giving out on her. She used to always support me in my crazy endeavors and listen to my stories. I used to talk to Mom pretty often on the phone. In fact that's what is the strangest thing now, not being able to call to see how she is or tell her what's happening here. Many times I have thought of calling then realize I can't. I'd talked to her very briefly the day before she passed but I wasn't well and didn't get to really complete our call, which I regret very much now. I did get to tell her I loved her one last time at least.
Neither of them wanted a funeral. In retrospect, I think it would have helped me at least to deal with the finality of it all.
As for me... I was unlucky enough to get the cold that killed Mom and that my oldest brother had also had for over a month. I was so sick that I had to cancel my performance in the show for which I'd driven cross country. I felt about 1 inch tall cancelling. I had several friends traveling from different parts of Ohio to see me. I disappointed so many people, myself included.
On the drive to Ohio, I discovered that a dear friend of over 26 years was choosing to ditch me for his new girlfriend. And he ditched me silently, without even one word of reply, even when I told him about my parents. I am still heart broken over this and will remain so. He was my first band guy, the first man I loved. Our relationship was mostly that of close friends over all the years, as he was always with someone else. And that was fine by me. There were a handful of glorious times alone together that I'll never forget, even though I must try to forget him now. I cannot say enough how deeply this wounds me.
Shortly before I left Colorado for Ohio, I learned much of the same from my patron and friend of about 18 years. He is the reason I can eat, have gas and costume money... the reason I can get by in the world being basically disabled by the MCS and my inability to work. He was always married, but finally divorced last year. Unfortunately for my sake, at about the same time he found a new girlfriend and moved her into a new home. Now, he cannot ever see me again and his finances are such that he can't keep helping me as he promised he always would. Again, my heart was broken and my fear of being left destitute was going to become reality very soon. I was supposed to at least see him to talk while I was in Ohio, but he wouldn't make time for me. I felt very hurt by this, as I would have liked to at least have hugged him one last time. But I wasn't allowed closure or even any information about what he intended to do with my finances. This is still up in the air, only I know he's not able to keep it going long.
So, I live with the terrible stress of not knowing when I'm cut off and not having any options to get my own income flowing. Hell, I am technically homeless living in a metal walk in cooler in the middle of the San Luis Valley because my RV needs extensive work that I can't afford and this is where it's parked, right next to the cooler. And the metal box has moldy wood in between the outer layers of metal.... so it's also making me feel unwell like the moldy RV was. I just can't find any safe space to live!
My health has gone to shit, with the last 4 or 5 months being mostly spent in bed sick, cancelling gigs left and right. I am not sure what's going on in my future... but it doesn't look bright, of that I am sure.
April 4th would have been my Mom's birthday.
Sunday, April 7, 2019
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Traveling to Ohio for Moonstruck Burlesque's Valentine's Day Show
In about a week's time I shall be hitting the road towards Ohio.
This will be a brief visit of only about a week and a few days since I'm going without my home on wheels. It's been more than a few years since going cross country in my Jimmy and honestly I am not terribly excited about that portion of the trip. It will mean a lot of health compromises the whole time, as I will have to use hotels, as infrequently as possible to be frugal. I will also be trying to stay with family when I can. There are many people I hope to see while I'm back, as it's been a long time since visiting home. Sadly, there is one old friend who has moved away and I'm very sad I won't get to see him... but I wish him much happiness in his new ventures!!!
BUT... I am thrilled to finally get to perform in Athens with good friends that I rarely get to see anymore! Moonstruck Burlesque is having a Valentine's Day show and a handful of months ago I was fortunate enough to be asked to come perform. I can't wait! I've been needing something fun like this for a while now. I'll be performing two acts, one of which has been totally revamped since I performed it last in Ohio and the other is a brand new singing act!! If you don't have Valentine's Day Weekend plans and you're anywhere near Ohio... this will be a lovely time!
FB event page:
https://www.facebook.com/events/2062178923847966/
This will be a brief visit of only about a week and a few days since I'm going without my home on wheels. It's been more than a few years since going cross country in my Jimmy and honestly I am not terribly excited about that portion of the trip. It will mean a lot of health compromises the whole time, as I will have to use hotels, as infrequently as possible to be frugal. I will also be trying to stay with family when I can. There are many people I hope to see while I'm back, as it's been a long time since visiting home. Sadly, there is one old friend who has moved away and I'm very sad I won't get to see him... but I wish him much happiness in his new ventures!!!
BUT... I am thrilled to finally get to perform in Athens with good friends that I rarely get to see anymore! Moonstruck Burlesque is having a Valentine's Day show and a handful of months ago I was fortunate enough to be asked to come perform. I can't wait! I've been needing something fun like this for a while now. I'll be performing two acts, one of which has been totally revamped since I performed it last in Ohio and the other is a brand new singing act!! If you don't have Valentine's Day Weekend plans and you're anywhere near Ohio... this will be a lovely time!
https://www.facebook.com/events/2062178923847966/
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Misadventures and lots of local shows...
Almost two weeks ago, I had a bad day and crunched the over cab passenger side of the RV into a protruding tree branch and this was the result:
Right now, it's all being held together by Gorilla Tape until I can get the whole over cab lopped off and rebuilt. It further adds to the dilapidated look of the house, which will lead to further harassment by the Man I'm sure. I've noticed several times over that nice, new and expensive motor homes will be left to their own devices far more often than an old one like mine. Discrimination is a thing I deal with often and it gets to be very old very fast. Maybe one day I can get a newer RV, that means one that is 7 years old at least so it's out gassed; maybe then I'll be left alone more often.
But for the last several weeks, on and off, I've been able to stay at a good friend's house in the mountains outside Denver. It has been bliss!!! I don't know what I'll do when I'm just stuck back in the small RV. I'm trying to avoid those thoughts though and just enjoy the cooler weather and pretty views.
I have been picking up several local, meaning mostly Denver, shows of late. This picture was taken this last Sunday night after a fun show with Punk Rock Burlesque at Streets of London Pub in Denver.
I'll be there again this coming Sunday too!
I have been doing a lot of shows with Thin Air Burlesque as well and recently performed for the first time in the historic Dickens Opera House in Longmont, CO. It's such a beautiful space! As I have been of late, I shot video of the whole show not only for myself but so that the other performers could have some nice footage.
I also had a friend take a shot outside after the show just for the fun of it!
I have even applied for a few out of town shows and festivals again. I go back to Ohio in November for the Midwest Nerdlesque Festival, which will be my only trip back home this year. I hope to get accepted into a show in Phoenix, AZ in Dec the day before my birthday, but won't know about that for several months I'm sure. It's been too long since I've visited AZ and would love the chance to get back there again with a show as the purpose, with plenty of time to recreate.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of seeing 16Volt play an outdoor event called Machinefest 2018, and it was great! It had been a few years since seeing them in Chicago at the Cold Waves Festival but Eric Powell recalled me and it was good to get to talk to him a little bit. I had to at least get a few stickers and a T Shirt.
Then after the bands played... there was Robot Destruction!
Here are some images by Nathan Morimitsu:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10156324498892508.1073741829.58212177507&type=3
All in all, even with the RV destruction I caused, things haven't been too bad.
Almost two weeks ago, I had a bad day and crunched the over cab passenger side of the RV into a protruding tree branch and this was the result:
But for the last several weeks, on and off, I've been able to stay at a good friend's house in the mountains outside Denver. It has been bliss!!! I don't know what I'll do when I'm just stuck back in the small RV. I'm trying to avoid those thoughts though and just enjoy the cooler weather and pretty views.
I have been picking up several local, meaning mostly Denver, shows of late. This picture was taken this last Sunday night after a fun show with Punk Rock Burlesque at Streets of London Pub in Denver.
I'll be there again this coming Sunday too!
I have been doing a lot of shows with Thin Air Burlesque as well and recently performed for the first time in the historic Dickens Opera House in Longmont, CO. It's such a beautiful space! As I have been of late, I shot video of the whole show not only for myself but so that the other performers could have some nice footage.
I have even applied for a few out of town shows and festivals again. I go back to Ohio in November for the Midwest Nerdlesque Festival, which will be my only trip back home this year. I hope to get accepted into a show in Phoenix, AZ in Dec the day before my birthday, but won't know about that for several months I'm sure. It's been too long since I've visited AZ and would love the chance to get back there again with a show as the purpose, with plenty of time to recreate.
A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of seeing 16Volt play an outdoor event called Machinefest 2018, and it was great! It had been a few years since seeing them in Chicago at the Cold Waves Festival but Eric Powell recalled me and it was good to get to talk to him a little bit. I had to at least get a few stickers and a T Shirt.
Here are some images by Nathan Morimitsu:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10156324498892508.1073741829.58212177507&type=3
All in all, even with the RV destruction I caused, things haven't been too bad.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Delays, Rebounds & Good Intentions to Follow That New Path...
Yes it has been several months without any kind of update. That is because life has thrown me a few curves, mostly health related but nothing new for me, other than a hellishly long flu which has left me with a little added breathing issues. The physical and emotional hurdles have slowed down my momentum to a barely visible crawl. Hell most days I'm totally stopped and buried under the weight of my vehicle, or body I should say. It has been difficult to get out of the ensuing darkness, to find that lost velocity towards a goal that seems far away again.
Months after I'd intended to already be on stage singing and doing the strip tease at the same time, I've only ended up rebounding and going back on my word that I'm done performing burlesque without this added challenge. I'm very disappointed for letting illnesses enable me to be a procrastinator and for putting my desires on the back burner.
I am not going to set myself up for failure again by setting a hard timeline in my own head as I did before, and then be depressed when I can't follow through. The depression stalls everything and I crumble under the pressure. All I do know is that soon as I believe I'm ready, I will be leaping forward in what I hope is a good direction. I accept in advance that it's likely going to take me longer than I want and that's OK. So long as I finally do it properly at least once, I'll be happy. And if people like it and I can do it more, that'd be nice too.
I know I have a lot of other friends out there with chronic illnesses, some of us with more than just a few of them weighing us down. We tend to not know when to say to ourselves that it's human and acceptable to fall short, to not feel well enough, to delay this or that and to not punish ourselves for the shortcomings or limitations. I am guilty of doing this self-flagellation a LOT. I'm writing this mainly to let myself know I can fall short but that I must not give up. I'll lose the battle with depression randomly, and often. But so long as I still try to get shit done when I can see a glimmer of light again, I can say I did my best.
To my friends dealing with strife or hardship of whatever variety life has thrown your way... find the light moments, the things that keep you dreaming and reaching. It's so tempting to give in to the darkness that is found in so many places that we need every drop of loving light we can see to keep us true to ourselves.
I've found that cutting off my creative outlet did more to hurt myself than I thought it would. I have been disenchanted with the burlesque community/scene or whatever you wish to call it for a long time. I felt myself being overlooked, not asked to perform very often and not being accepted into shows more often than not - which lead to a lot of negativity and heartache. I told myself to walk away and not come back until I could try something new, to sing, and see if it garnered more interest. Too soon I realized how much lonelier I was feeling and it was only getting worse. So I have started to jump in on a few shows here and there again. My rebounding made me feel weak and sheepish, but my desire to get out and play again was far stronger. I'm glad I recently was able to perform at Galaxy Fest in Colorado Springs with good friends, although I was absent and ill for one of the two days and injured the next. I am happy to say I went ahead and performed freshly injured and just did it no matter what the pain was like. That is a small accomplishment, but I'll take it. It is a little bit of light. Live in the light!!!
As a reward for reading this long rant, which likely is just going on circles, here are a few videos that I've been sitting on for months:
Barb Wire Dolls Show
Oct 19, '17
The Marquis Theater, Denver
Obscura Drag Show
"Illumiparty"
Nov 11, '17
The Zodiac Venue & Bar, Colorado Springs
Months after I'd intended to already be on stage singing and doing the strip tease at the same time, I've only ended up rebounding and going back on my word that I'm done performing burlesque without this added challenge. I'm very disappointed for letting illnesses enable me to be a procrastinator and for putting my desires on the back burner.
I am not going to set myself up for failure again by setting a hard timeline in my own head as I did before, and then be depressed when I can't follow through. The depression stalls everything and I crumble under the pressure. All I do know is that soon as I believe I'm ready, I will be leaping forward in what I hope is a good direction. I accept in advance that it's likely going to take me longer than I want and that's OK. So long as I finally do it properly at least once, I'll be happy. And if people like it and I can do it more, that'd be nice too.
I know I have a lot of other friends out there with chronic illnesses, some of us with more than just a few of them weighing us down. We tend to not know when to say to ourselves that it's human and acceptable to fall short, to not feel well enough, to delay this or that and to not punish ourselves for the shortcomings or limitations. I am guilty of doing this self-flagellation a LOT. I'm writing this mainly to let myself know I can fall short but that I must not give up. I'll lose the battle with depression randomly, and often. But so long as I still try to get shit done when I can see a glimmer of light again, I can say I did my best.
To my friends dealing with strife or hardship of whatever variety life has thrown your way... find the light moments, the things that keep you dreaming and reaching. It's so tempting to give in to the darkness that is found in so many places that we need every drop of loving light we can see to keep us true to ourselves.
I've found that cutting off my creative outlet did more to hurt myself than I thought it would. I have been disenchanted with the burlesque community/scene or whatever you wish to call it for a long time. I felt myself being overlooked, not asked to perform very often and not being accepted into shows more often than not - which lead to a lot of negativity and heartache. I told myself to walk away and not come back until I could try something new, to sing, and see if it garnered more interest. Too soon I realized how much lonelier I was feeling and it was only getting worse. So I have started to jump in on a few shows here and there again. My rebounding made me feel weak and sheepish, but my desire to get out and play again was far stronger. I'm glad I recently was able to perform at Galaxy Fest in Colorado Springs with good friends, although I was absent and ill for one of the two days and injured the next. I am happy to say I went ahead and performed freshly injured and just did it no matter what the pain was like. That is a small accomplishment, but I'll take it. It is a little bit of light. Live in the light!!!
As a reward for reading this long rant, which likely is just going on circles, here are a few videos that I've been sitting on for months:
Barb Wire Dolls Show
Oct 19, '17
The Marquis Theater, Denver
Obscura Drag Show
"Illumiparty"
Nov 11, '17
The Zodiac Venue & Bar, Colorado Springs
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
A Transition from burlesque...
It is with a sad heart that I have decided to step back from performing burlesque after 6 years.
My decision is precipitated by the fact that it is nearly impossible for me to book myself into shows, particularly ones of the high caliber that I crave. Being overlooked so often gets to be too much and I react by being increasingly sensitive to the rejection and feeling bitter. The reason I began performing was simple: to gracefully show people the fun things I made and to see what my friends were doing with their creative endeavors. It's been quite a while since the fun to bullshit ratio has been balanced, so I'm simply going to stop.
The Golden Legends Challenge and the accompanying fundraising expectations were too much for me and I had to back out of that show. Honestly, I entered it hoping to be a protege - not a back up in case a protege drops out. I realized after I applied that I should have just submitted my signature act Queen B to the showcase, as that was what was wanted from me. This was yet another instance of my desires being set to the side, of me being told I was almost good enough, but not quite. The meaning I took away was: we really just want the glowy EL Wire act that you took to festivals in 2014. Much as I wanted to follow through with the Golden Legends Challenge, my heart just wasn't it in when it came down the way it did.
I have two last performances, both with The FOX and both in Ohio. I find it very appropriate that my last shows are in my home state where it all began.
* The Midwest Burlesque & Rockabilly Weekend
June 1-4 2017
event page:
https://www.facebook.com/events/795168813966448/
* The 7th Annual Ohio Burlesque Festival
August 2-5 2017
event page:
https://www.facebook.com/events/1022160514499130/
AND THEN... I'm going to delve into totally new territory for me. But I can't blow the top off the news until I'm ready and already doing it.
Stay tuned....
My decision is precipitated by the fact that it is nearly impossible for me to book myself into shows, particularly ones of the high caliber that I crave. Being overlooked so often gets to be too much and I react by being increasingly sensitive to the rejection and feeling bitter. The reason I began performing was simple: to gracefully show people the fun things I made and to see what my friends were doing with their creative endeavors. It's been quite a while since the fun to bullshit ratio has been balanced, so I'm simply going to stop.
The Golden Legends Challenge and the accompanying fundraising expectations were too much for me and I had to back out of that show. Honestly, I entered it hoping to be a protege - not a back up in case a protege drops out. I realized after I applied that I should have just submitted my signature act Queen B to the showcase, as that was what was wanted from me. This was yet another instance of my desires being set to the side, of me being told I was almost good enough, but not quite. The meaning I took away was: we really just want the glowy EL Wire act that you took to festivals in 2014. Much as I wanted to follow through with the Golden Legends Challenge, my heart just wasn't it in when it came down the way it did.
I have two last performances, both with The FOX and both in Ohio. I find it very appropriate that my last shows are in my home state where it all began.
* The Midwest Burlesque & Rockabilly Weekend
June 1-4 2017
https://www.facebook.com/events/795168813966448/
* The 7th Annual Ohio Burlesque Festival
August 2-5 2017
https://www.facebook.com/events/1022160514499130/
AND THEN... I'm going to delve into totally new territory for me. But I can't blow the top off the news until I'm ready and already doing it.
Stay tuned....
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Golden Legend Champion Challenge
I nervously sent off my application for the Golden Legend Champion Challenge just now. I say nervously because I would really love to be part of this and also it frightens the hell out of the MCS part of me (which is a big part). I'm not sure I can physically do what might be asked of me by putting myself out there for this great opportunity, but a fellow performer urged me to apply and I decided to go for it. I applied just for the challenge, not the showcase. SO if chosen, I'd be one of only 7 and would be working closely with a Living Legend of Burlesque! Very daunting indeed!!!
GLCC - Golden Legend Champion Challenge will be in Colorado Springs this year!
Hosted by Peaks and Pasties at The Gold Room August 11th - 13th.
UPDATE:
I was accepted as an alternate. Meaning, if one of the 7 protoges cannot fulfill their duties or follow thru for whatever reason, I'm on board.
GLCC - Golden Legend Champion Challenge will be in Colorado Springs this year!
Hosted by Peaks and Pasties at The Gold Room August 11th - 13th.
There are a few days left to apply for other performers who may be interested, here is the website link:
UPDATE:
I was accepted as an alternate. Meaning, if one of the 7 protoges cannot fulfill their duties or follow thru for whatever reason, I'm on board.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
The Jazz Happenings @ The Stage Stop can look like this:
my New Year's Intentions set on paper, then set to improvisational music as lyrics for which I do an improv dance. Such fun!
Really folks, it's well worth the drive into the mountains for a night of festivities. The shows happen from 7-10p on the 3rd Wednesday each month and are complimentary thanks to the venue, which also offers 10% off meals and drink specials during the show.
And of course none of this could happen without the producer Beautyofmyland and the venue Stage Stop!
So a big thanks for the chance to perform in this historic place!
fb page for Beautyofmyland:
https://www.facebook.com/beautyofmyland/?fref=ts
fb page for Stage Stop:
my New Year's Intentions set on paper, then set to improvisational music as lyrics for which I do an improv dance. Such fun!
Really folks, it's well worth the drive into the mountains for a night of festivities. The shows happen from 7-10p on the 3rd Wednesday each month and are complimentary thanks to the venue, which also offers 10% off meals and drink specials during the show.
fb event page:
The next show is COCK themed. This is, admittedly, partly my doing as I'm bringing my Viking number with my infamous "ship." It sparked the idea for the theme and I assure you there's been very amusing banter about what other acts and activities will happen. I can't spoil surprises though, so come out to see the spectacles that await you!
 |
| Viking Act |
I'm stoked that my good pal Jinxy Poppet is traveling up from Colorado Springs to perform too!!
 |
| Jinxy Poppet |
Her fb page:
And of course none of this could happen without the producer Beautyofmyland and the venue Stage Stop!
So a big thanks for the chance to perform in this historic place!
fb page for Beautyofmyland:
https://www.facebook.com/beautyofmyland/?fref=ts
fb page for Stage Stop:
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